Comfort and Joy
by Sweet Lu
Summary: When things go wrong for the team on an operation just before Christmas, Deeks has trouble dealing with it, recalling the emotional turmoil still troubling him from his arrest by Internal Affairs and his confession to Kensi.


**Comfort and Joy**

...

Callen turned to meet his partner's concerned eyes before glancing into the backseat once again to check on Deeks. Kensi was staring back at him, her own face drawn with the same exhaustion she could see in the slump of his shoulders. Chasing a group of men on foot deep into the desert at the end of a long day had left all of them weary and unbelievably pissed, especially Sam. Their informant had left out a few details that had almost cost them their lives and had taken his. The man had gone down in a burst of unexpected automatic weapons fire as he'd tried to explain why he hadn't told them just how many men from this particular militia group would be at the old mine where they'd stashed the stolen RPGs and explosives. Deeks had gone in as a buyer from a Nevada militia, and if he hadn't broken cover to warn them, they all would have died. It had cost him though.

"How's he doing?" Callen asked quietly.

"I'm fine," Deeks replied from the darkness.

"Remember who you're talking to," Sam growled.

"Is that a question?" He asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"Maybe he's trying to figure out how bad your concussion is," Callen offered lightly. "You haven't called any of us by name since we found you."

"Seriously? That's your test?" Deeks grumbled, moaning softly as he repositioned himself.

"You told me you saw two of me right before we got in the car," Kensi reminded him.

"Nothing bad about that," he said with a grin.

"Well, I think it makes sense to stop for the night," Callen reasoned. "The little town of Julian is just down the mountain. We could all use a hot meal and a place to get some sleep. It's been a long day."

"Sounds good. They're famous for their apple pie around here," Kensi said cheerfully.

"Why am I not surprised you know that?" Deeks said softly.

"Let's hope they have a doctor, too," Sam said, staring at Deeks in the rearview mirror.

"They didn't shoot me, Sam."

"Only because we took 'em out before they could," he snapped back. "You forget I'm the one who hauled your ass back up that cliff they threw you off of."

"He just wants you to thank him for that," Callen smirked at his partner.

"Thank you Agent Hanna," Deeks replied dutifully in a little boy's singsong voice, before growing solemn and contrary again. "It wasn't really a cliff. More like a bluff or embankment."

"You're almost as annoying as Callen after I save his life," Sam said, but not as surly as he had been a minute ago.

"We all saved each other today," Kensi said quietly as she entwined her fingers with Deeks'. "Can't wrap it up for Christmas, but it means we get to have one."

They were silent after that until the historic little town came into view, its storefronts decorated for the holiday season. It was another world compared to where they'd just come from, the people normal and smiling and unarmed. A sign for a restaurant had Sam pulling up in front of a small cottage set back from the street and strung with Christmas lights.

"Looks cozy," Kensi said, easing herself out of the car as Sam opened the door for Deeks, who slowly unfolded himself from the backseat of the SUV.

He took a tentative step and stumbled, and Sam reached out to steady him, but he stiffened and glared back at the agent before pulling free of his grip. Callen shook his head before Sam could say anything and he nodded and followed close behind as Deeks made his way gingerly toward the entrance. They were all aware of the suspicious looks they were getting, most giving Deeks a wide berth as they passed by. In the light of the entryway, the cuts and bruises on his face looked even worse than before, as did his dirty, ripped up jeans and torn shirt, both scuffed with dried blood. Once inside, Callen handed him his go-bag and guided him toward the bathrooms, a pointed look keeping his protest silent. By the time Callen returned, Kensi and Sam had a table in the far corner by the brick fireplace and four bottles of beer on the table.

"The waitress said there may be a couple of vacancies at the lodge up the street," Sam informed him as Callen downed half his beer.

"That was too close," the senior agent said as he lowered the bottle. "Deeks is rattled. Not that he'll admit it."

"Still not convinced he didn't break a couple of ribs. That was a long way down going head over heels," Sam said, his anger flaring again. "I'm surprised as hell they didn't shoot him first."

"He thought they were going to," Kensi said, picking at the label on her beer. "I could see his face through my scope."

"You sure he's all right in there, G?" Sam asked, looking toward the hallway to the bathrooms.

"I wasn't going to stay and help him change clothes, Sam," Callen said, cocking an eyebrow. "He's a big boy. He'll be fine. Just let him be."

"Yeah? Then why did he just sneak out the front door?" Sam asked, starting up from the chair.

"You guys order. I'll go after him," Kensi said, already up and walking quickly toward the door without a backward glance.

Deeks moved slowly along the darkened street, limping only slightly as he looked around the small town. He stopped at the corner, pulling the khaki jacket tightly around himself in the chilled air as he stared at the tiny Christmas tree lot strung with softly glowing globes of light. An old rendition of Silver Bells set a cheery tone as townspeople wandered among the trees, their laughter floating back to her as the most important person in her life watched. He finally looked back as if he knew she would be there, which he probably did, staring at her with weary blue eyes. When she walked to his side he simply took her hand, leading her into the lot without a word. He fingered a couple of the big trees as they walked slowly around the lot, stopping to watch a couple of young kids as they circled one and then yelled out to their parents that they had found the perfect tree.

"Needed to remind myself what the real world looks like," he murmured as they started walking again.

"The world we try to keep safe," she said, gripping his hand tighter and pulling him to a halt.

"I couldn't take anymore scrutiny," he explained.

"Callen and Sam?"

"I've had enough of that for one day," he replied as he stood in front of a selection of tiny fir trees. "Hell...for a lifetime."

"They care about you is all," she told him earnestly.

"You sure about that?" He asked solemnly. "Would they feel the same if they knew what I did?"

When she didn't reply, he took her arm and made her look at him. "Kens? Do they know?"

"They've been doing this a long time, Baby," she said. "I think they suspected, but it didn't matter in the end. They did everything they could do to make sure you were safe. You're family, Deeks. Besides, they keep their own secrets. Callen especially."

"Sam and I have made our peace," he said quietly. "With Callen, I'm still not real sure where I stand."

"He was as worried as Sam was for you today," she told him as she stepped in front of him and put her hand on his chest.

"I thought it was the end," he said softly, reaching back to undo her ponytail, loosening her hair with his long fingers. "I don't even remember falling, just the promise he made to 'fill me full of holes,' when I landed at the bottom. Think he probably watched a few too many old gangster movies."

"You had to know we were coming," she said. "That I would have your back no matter what."

"I never saw any of you," he replied. "I was afraid...afraid the others had killed you."

He looked shaken and turned away from her, trying to control his sudden emotions, but she kept ahold of his hand, unwilling to let him walk away.

"I saw your face through the scope," she confessed. "I know you thought you were going to die out there. You looked right at me. The look on your face is what made me sight my rifle and shoot that guy. I'm just sorry I didn't take him down before he shoved you over the edge. That scared the shit out of me, Deeks."

He pulled her to him, holding her gently as he sighed out a shaky breath against her cheek. She tightened her grip on him, letting her emotions match his. People smiled as they walked around them, unaware of the real reason for their embrace, assuming they were a loving couple simply there to pick out a Christmas tree. At least the loving part was right.

She took his face in her hands, wanting desperately to comfort him. His wounded expression was haunting, his eyes wide and needy and her embrace tightened, holding him close as he nuzzled her hair.

"I wanted this Christmas to be special," he whispered. "I had so many plans..."

"We're still having Christmas," she assured him.

"I thought you were dead, Kens," his voice hitched and breathless. "I thought you all were. I hadn't planned on that."

"Of course you didn't, Deeks. We can't live in fear. You know that. This Christmas will be extra special because we survived today, just like we survived Internal Affairs. We're both still here, hugging and maybe kissing," offering a hopeful smile, trying again to distract him from his dark mood. "Callen and Sam are still snarking at each other like an old married couple, and we're here in a Christmas tree lot listening to carols and watching little kids pick out a tree."

His face softened into that smile that always made her go gooey inside and his eyes lost some of that harried look as he took in the scene around him.

"I think we should buy one of these little trees," he finally said. "You know...to celebrate."

She stepped back to see if he was serious, and saw the determined look on his face as he scanned the motley selection of scraggly trees at their feet.

"We already have a tree, remember?" she said, suddenly worried about his concussion. "The huge one you insisted we buy the day after Thanksgiving. The one you decorated with all those tiny surf boards and dog ornaments."

"I know...so maybe this one could be Monty's tree," he reasoned, a soft childlike smile spreading across his face. "We could set it up next to his bed."

"You're serious," she laughed.

"There's room in the back of the SUV. Besides, if no one buys them, they burn 'em," he rushed out as he held one up to inspect it. "Kinda sad, don't you think? If we take one home, it'll live a little longer...like me."

"Deeks..."

"I never thought I'd have someone like you in my life, Kens," he said quietly, turning to stare at her with solemn eyes. "And when I thought you were gone...it didn't seem to matter if he threw me down that cliff or not."

"Don't say that," she said angrily. "Don't you dare believe that."

"You said no more secrets," showing some of the irritation that seemed to clothe him since he woke after Sam had laid him on the ground in front of her, unconscious and looking broken.

"You think I wouldn't want you to be happy if I die in the line of duty?" She demanded.

"I don't think I could be," he said honestly.

"Well, you damn well better try," she said roughly. "Or I'll come back and...and haunt you."

"Seriously?"

"Every Christmas."

"Shouldn't that be something you'd do on Halloween?" He asked, suddenly flashing a soft grin.

"Then too," she said.

"What would you be wearing?"

"What?"

"I might look forward to it if you were wearing something sexy."

"That sounds more like your adolescent, one track mind," she said, unable to hold onto her anger as he smiled down at her.

"Can't blame me, can you? I almost died today," he said before his voice cracked. "So did you."

His tongue darted out between his lips, a habit that usually caused her to feel weak in the knees, but now she just felt sad, the realization of what he said hitting her hard.

"I don't want to think about that," she said firmly.

"I'd want you to be happy if I'd died today," the words slamming into her and stilling any movement. "You deserve to be happy."

"So do you," her voice husky and soft.

"That's debatable, but Christmas with you makes me happy," he said as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "This ain't Mammoth and it's not snowing, but since we're here..."

"Yeah..." Her response barely a whisper, and she turned into his chest, hugging him fiercely, her remembered fear making her shiver at what might have been.

They stood tightly wrapped in each other's arms until a remark from a passerby about getting a room caused Deeks to cock his head at her and smile. He kissed her then. Slowly. Gently, as if she were the most precious creature in the world, and suddenly they were laughing. She brushed the hair back from his forehead, the gesture reminding her of last week when she had again feared for his life. When his laughter faded she knew the same thought had crossed his mind.

"All in," she whispered. "Remember that."

"Kens..."

"Let's just have a merry Christmas, Baby," placing fingers over his lips to keep him silent. "Let's forget about all of it..."

"There a 'but' in there somewhere?"

"There better be and it better be your butt," she smiled softly at him as her hands moved down to his ass. "Preferably naked."

"You are aware there are children running around?" he reminded her with a wide grin.

"And one of them is about to take your favorite little Christmas tree."

The tough looking little boy was startled as they both turned to look down at him, but then his chin jutted out and his eyes became defiant as he grabbed the small tree and ran. He didn't get far. One of the workers snagged his tattered sweatshirt and lifted him off the ground, yelling at him to drop the tree. In three long strides, Deeks was by his side, gripping the worker's arm tightly, forcing him to set the boy back on his feet.

"It's Christmas, buddy," he said quietly.

"He's stealing," the man sputtered. "And it ain't the first time. Had to call the cops on him last year too."

"You called a cop on a kid over a ten dollar tree?"

"It's fifteen bucks."

"That much? For this scraggly little thing?" His laugh brief. "I should arrest you for overcharging. How about I give you a twenty and you forget about the kid?"

"You a cop?"

"More like a Federal Agent," Kensi said, holding up her badge.

The man shook his head, shoving the boy toward him as he reached for the cash.

"He's good for nothin', ya know," the man said as he walked away.

Kensi saw a quick flash of anger in her partner's eye, and she put her hand on his chest until it passed.

"You don't look like no cop," the kid said boldly.

"Got a badge and everything."

"Why'd ya do that?" The boy cocking his head as he clutched the tree.

"It's Christmas and that tree deserves to be with someone who really wants it."

The kid looked down at the misshapen tree and then back up at Deeks. "Bullshit."

"Hey!" Kensi said as Deeks laughed.

"How old are you, kid?" Deeks asked.

"Whadda you care?"

"How old?" Deeks demanded, gripping the kid's sweatshirt so he couldn't run.

"Nine," he mumbled as he tried to squirm out of Deeks' hold. "Now, lemme go."

"Don't let 'im catch you next time," Deeks advised. "Or you'll end up in Juvie and believe me, it's not a place you'll like."

"How would you know?" The kid spit out, his face closed off and his eyes wary.

"Spent some time there when I was eleven," he said softly. "The big kids kinda gang up on the little ones. It wasn't fun, so quit stealing or get real good at not getting caught."

"Did they feed ya?" The boy asked as he roughly wiped at his nose.

"Yeah," Deeks replied sadly. "Three meals a day and a bed."

"Don't sound so bad to me," the kid said quietly.

"Where you living?" Deeks squatted in front of the boy.

"Hey, I ain't stupid. I tell you that you send the real cops," he said defiantly.

"You gotta mom and dad?" Deeks persisted.

"Nah...she left a long time ago," he replied. "Never had no dad."

"Are you living on the streets?" Kensi asked.

"Live with my Gramma, but she don't care much what I do."

"Let us take you home and I promise no cops, okay?" Deeks asked.

"Sure, mister," the kid said, smiling slightly as Deeks stood.

As soon as Deeks let go of his sweatshirt the boy took off running, the little tree clutched to his chest. Deeks shook his head, and reached out to stop Kensi from going after him.

"You'll never catch him, Kens," Deeks said dejectedly.

"Yeah, I know. Hope he makes it."

"You never know, do you?" He replied. "Who's going to find happiness and who isn't."

"Makes you realize just how lucky we are," Kensi replied, wrapping her arm tightly around his waist. "We both survived our childhood."

"Don't forget all the firefights and explosions...Afghanistan."

"Sidorov," She whispered.

"Internal Affairs," he added, turning to face her and running his hand up into her hair.

"And being thrown off a cliff."

"Kind of amazing when you think about it," he said. "And we somehow found each other in all that. We should celebrate that."

"What did you have in mind?"

"Seriously?" He said with a laugh when Callen interrupted by stepping out from behind the nearest tree. "You stalking me now?"

"You're lucky it's me that came to find you," Callen said pleasantly. "It's not a good idea to make Sam worry. He can get a little pissed when he's worried."

"I'm fine," Deeks said sourly, looking a little pissed himself.

"Are you?" Callen pressed. "Looks to me like you're trying to go it alone."

"Yeah? Well, you would know, wouldn't you?" Deeks snapped.

"Give us a minute, Kens," Callen said as he grabbed Deeks' arm and walked him down a row of tall fir trees.

"What the hell do you want?" Deeks' voice raw with barely contained anger.

"I want you to trust us, dammit, and you haven't since IA had you arrested. I want you to realize we're all on your side," Callen said, his voice low and urgent and his eyes piercing. "We all have secrets, Deeks, and you have to know Sam and I will fight to protect those secrets...to protect you. We'll have your back, whether it's in a firefight or something in your past you're afraid to tell us about. We're a team and this team won't survive if you pull away from us."

"You know, don't you? About Boyle?" Deeks replied quietly, stunned by what Callen had said. "I needed to protect all of you."

"We're all survivors, Deeks," he said softly. "So, we're pretty good at protecting ourselves. You think it would have been easier on us to see you go to prison or worse? You think Kensi could have handled that?"

"I didn't want to drag any of you down with me," he said. "Especially Kensi."

"I get that, but you have to know Hetty would never let that happen," Callen said. "Whatever the cost, she protects us."

"In spite of the truth."

"The truth is never black and white in our world," Callen said. "Whatever happened in that motel room, Deeks, I'm sure you had good cause."

Deeks simply nodded, his eyes misting as he searched Callen's face, even though the man had no reason to lie. "Thanks, brother."

"Now...go let Sam mother hen you before he drives me nuts," Callen urged, throwing an arm across Deeks' shoulder as he walked him back to Kensi. "And don't lie to him if you have broken ribs. You'll never hear the end of it. Trust me."

"Gotta keep our partners happy," Deeks said as they all walked out of the Christmas tree lot.

"And it ain't always easy," Callen said with a laugh.

"It is for me," Deeks said as he pulled Kensi close.

"Me too," Kensi chirped, giving Deeks an angelic smile.

"Get a room you two."

...

...


End file.
